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Monthly Archives: November 2008

oh welcome to my life. you know it is hard knowing something sometimes. the knowledge eating at you . for all you want is to be free of it. to be free and stand with the rest of life. Maybe the ignorance is a blessing. Maybe god never meant to stop us from eating the apple but most don’t any way. A book was written that said it was wrong to have knowledge, like to see what is really going on will not help the average Joe , Mary, or Hassem. Maybe the devil created the internet. I don’t know . and maybe i don’t have knowledge. I write o that makes me pull apart the rhetoric of excistance, and in that i try and pull apart my self. casting my own life into the abyss . but it has been helpful to me, a little. you see i am involved in trying to understand the actions i take for all the humaness involved for all the predestination of my psychology and sociology, of all the “study ofs “ i can think of . such that i loose track sometimes of the innocence and my ego blames me for the pains i create just by living. For i try and be smart. try and see some pattern that could change my depression and elevate me to a real important writer. it is the trying that stops me. I love apples you know. and so am cast into the doubt and shame of being human. I refuse the basic drives sometimes. and get bold and courageous when i should just accept the common drives and duck and wait , one should never stand up in a firing line. And yet often i have. I i I, to much. the ego is placed against the lives that could have been mine, the False and Accepted lives we live because the drive it secure in us. Some accept around the ideas of the responsibility. others out of a personal sense of self doubt or a common sense of economics. I consider most of that to be Falsify, and learn how wrong i am ,, until i rise up again to face them and beat those topics again back into the shadows.
but i can really never change anything. and can only bow down like all of us. and yet my child inside is a stubborn fool that forgets the simple math for the importance of a stand. A lonely stand for which only effects me. Suffer at will. I do.
and yet still there is more for in this life i have found we can change. and come to understand the general humanity we represent. Maybe i am rising again from my depression which comes and goes through its non activity, maybe because i have been reading again Lawerance Durrell and have spent two days away from the complete inhuman-ness of Flash I played guitar if only for a second and remembered the natural schrocas because of it. the natural energy life is most created for, without all the inhuman effects of being television and politics create , the inhuman-ness of the internet, the pain of thought. for a purer state of feelings. Maybe.
but the knowledge of consciousness still seems layered in all this. the food of a total being gets caught up in the innocence of reaction and i am driven to only see the excesses of society and my depression.
YOu know they say there are medicines to help. chemicals that drive certain parts of the brain to enjoy life more, to search out the love that your world is and accept bliss more readily, but i feel depresion is the path for which creates change and it is a sign of the adaptation of humanity to the crisis of philosophy, and spirituality. But maybe i am wrong again, and should just accept i am chemically fucked.
I refuse. and suffer with an ego that sees all as path.
but path demands its joys revealed. and in that is also sufferance. like the artist who lives art, and eats what comes instead of loosing time on this earth for the divergance of common sence. Path demands balence, some are not truely happy unless then can live fully. These are stubborn people but also aligned with the strength of humanity others have not the will for. these people are a lot like me . for they face all the demons others merely accept. they face the destitution of a will when placed against a system. for a system has roles and if you do not just find one and fit in you are out of system. there are limited spaces for artists. and in that they fly against all manor of thought and philosophy to justify themselves and goals , a strong few make it. in the systems terms of survival. the rest rejoice in the creation and that is there food and is there opinion. no matter the money involved for it is their path. Talent matters little in the achievements for it is the energy of creation they hold , the natural reaction of spirituality to living. and the reason we love them. for they live where others can not . like the secret reason we give to homelessness, we want to be them, we want to forget the system which drives us to uncertain success. and foils us often when we think we have it.
Art can not be taken away or ruled outside of us. It can only be controlled by the payments for it; but art is the light . it is the creation that makes it whole and the appreciation that goes against all the “facts” of system. Artist are the free givers. just by existing the system is revenged.
I am an artist. and as i need today to remember some love i have for my self it is that. I didn’t wake up one day to say this is what i am going to be. I just have had no other choice for my character found it was a title i could tell others that explained me. more responable than carpenter, residential mover, unemployed, I started early and will end with death. and each moment will be the extremes of that fate. no matter the money for i have not reached that goal. or even , could , for it is a way of thought more than even a way of composition.
and i am afraid i will have only that soon again to shelter me, for again i have fallen off the path, and become more systematic. I broke from path and tried again to hid in the system until i was being used for the art again. and stood up , to assume my reality, and cast out again. it is fact if you don’t try and live path you will suffer even worse that the path demands.
Today is another day. Remember yourself in the innocence you feel and respect your self to know you have no other path than your true joy, for if you forget you will kill your energy for all things. and having to relearn what you already know is worse than just respecting your knowledge and following intuitional forces, for they are your guide in the world of path.