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Monthly Archives: February 2010

How did i ever start to think i could give business advice.. I do know.. I am an egotist.  Of course you have to be right when it  comes to money. The way you know is that  wrong comes fast and at your throat if you live in material and through material.

Business its self is liner, a product doesn’t not show up, it is paid to be delivered, could you imagine if the will of god was like money. And you could depend on your good deeds being understood for themselves. How many times you answered the call. and ran with the breeze cause it called. and that was the maker of power , the green thing.
Oh God, how symbols get confused and jumbled until the makers of language inpose the next cliche.
but we have news for everyone.
yes , I was going to say the obvious to a freind, just cause maybe she didn’t see though the shadows. Intuition stopped me, forty four years old stopped me, No one has ever listened to my Managerial Advice. and told me so..
It is puzzle peices in a simple land of supply and demand.
I demand supply,,
I demand ,, lol.. how funny to say that,, how interesting to watch the word on the page ,, knowing their impotence, and eventually demise into the electric wonderland, and what is this to you. reading like you know what i am saying, with me saying what i know is not planned or merely splattered,  a center ground, a tone that inhabits the mind to float, to look at the parts which have made it and to follow like a guru  maximouse of computer land, escaping into the digidal. cause the tools are to use,
Escaping into the Yoga, or Life style of choice while that real love that binds us, is misrepresented, and made to be the burden of all who chose to make a better world.

for first there is self.
First there is the tenancies,  we can explain away with subtle dis-reminders, and other facts of Discussed change , in the glassy world of “watch my hand” .. for somewhere, they told people the vote would matter, and we gloss the exterior, for the interior is up to you. Boot straps don’t pay for college. And Focus is what pays for college.
We have become the wrecking ball for foreign powers,  we have come to forget , and freedom reigns, but yet this one inside, walks with each step , realizing the difference between a world we give as present , or we give as pain.
A one to self is first revolt, as has always been said and all ways will.
but in such i falter, It is a shifting to let in what gives independence, and comment. Alone i am god. not dissuaded from my point and romantics. the love is everywhere and i am not to see my painful hatred, roaming personalities, for which i shouldn’t be seeing against my own, the comparisons, make me jump and leap to death, thinking i am to condense my love with individuals who, from where. hidden mysteries they make . like myself i guess, but me?

i have found , the nastiness of my being, staring into its eyes, knowing nothing matters, cause i am getting ready for death. AS life’s goal is .  and in change becomes. Sorted minutes of a million births and deaths. stars , maybe measuring time . gods time peace.
and it is philosophical. Life is the first real truth , in state of matter, Quantum physic (we now call it, a study of the pure energy)  the basic elements to a mental existence, is the acknowledgement of our emotions ( vibrational energy)  and our state, to just accept the systems of injustice , with the differences our minds are able to see, to disgrace the knowledge of an energy , with religions and Sides of REAsoning,  marks every man women and child , to talk of a world that only speaks in it’s epitaphs.
The Suits mounting a defense of the everyman. it is laughable. for they think this is working.
i have left the point , Essays to the sky.

So undoubted, and a rock to build upon. I am of course talking Raw Cash , or Gold , or other rising things. Housing is all rental rental rental. lol.
it was just a thought, but i started a second ago. to give someone advice, or really tell them what i thought without the necessity of them asking, it is wrong?  but i like to think about projects. It is the tendency of one who watches to many movies, or reads to many books or plays to much chess. The equality of vision equals the success through balancing, which is the end goal of all human evolution. This isn’t worth anything, then it is , then it is larger than it can be, then it is sold or made to handle its self. Business is easy in that , that is as long as all the “fish are in line”.
And letting them get in line is the hardest parts , because sometimes the greatest ideas are just waiting for the “in Line” fish, be it public concern Finally turning toward an equalizing head, as in the bullies have lead for so long that the meek are starting to speak, but now the Supreme  Court is the problem.

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Feb 17 2010

And everyday I awake with a sense of something missing. Is it some small part of me. Waking against the experience of the feelings, this new land of western Washington,  only brings me to think of every connection from the past, every hope of love I broke somehow , and do I live to tell it. To see how I have laid to rest the limites of human concern, for sometime I feel I have lost people because so often I have felt at dis ease with my life, and since I can’t change my friends I change myself. And forget friends. ? did I forget friends? or did I just not consider why we were friends, or really it came down to did they want me as a friend.
The streets trained me. My apartment getting ripped off in four different places by friends. my drinking going into over-bored with friends, do we just share our favorite lust or excape , calling them interests, and filling the hours with what ifs and I will’s. but Barely remembering what you had said, or remembering and just watching the number of times there was no fulfillment.
Friends  are the people you share time with , good times, for no one wants to face the sad, and yet, all my life I have had so many moments of “bad” or the uncivilized.  my bad times are not criminal mostly, they are ecomonic for I must find my truth and admit I get dispondant to all civil reactions. And spend my money freely lke a fool on holiday, but it is in the middle of the week, and tomorrow must be aonther day, but it cannot be cause all the rules have changed, you have not paid your rent cause  a moment went by where you didn’t like anything going on. There was no smallness to keep your heart alive, no celebration of moment spent, Except the eternal excess of seeing the world . the mountins the high clouds the low. The docks and ridges, the animals. . like imagining a birds freedom to see no need for gravity , cause it is just a down feeling.
It is the mechanics of tides and Plates in the earth , of time human , and ice ages, and always something you can not feel with the same effect when perminate, for you look beyond it. It is just that you it see every day, and when it is your heart  you are apart of it.
Friends have rarely had had that effect one me. , hills don’t remind you what decisiveness and planning are the little cunning creatures effect, on others. The birds don’t  torture you with “why do they land on my shoulder, they just do or don’t it is mutual. There ways of movement fulfill some mad puzzle of fate and conscious. I don’t remember how I have hurt others. But mostly I guess it was over money. Mostly it was over violence, and standing up against those who were standing up to threaten.  Maybe cause it was, just me, saying they were threatening my sense of myself. And in the end that is all it is.

These conversatioing should be private, and held in the golden halls of action. But I cannot seem to answer them alone. And reach further into the voices of external exposure, to ask and listine, but it is not of me that I want critism, it is of the concept .
Friends is a concept , aquaitances are of a concept. I remember most of my friends I have lost through travel. , I sit here, thinking about them, . I guess it is of the air sign to no know  one , and wonder why he is not a earth sign. Wrong date I guess, It is so ease to discount the air sign, until you can’t breath, and understand why one would be called coolbreeze.. cause with the considerations of an air sign all is beautiful. And every where, so the easiest way to get rid of an air sgn is to stifle them, to remove them to gather them, you cannot herd air. And refuses all attempts,
There is security in friends. But time layered responciblity, but then you are into relationships, and in that most don’t go outside of that, they don’t talk or , tell, they wait and observe so that they can be correct or meaning ful. But they are not living, to not have their own question readily on the table. Knowledge shared is power lost. Funny that, for I can see a person no matter what they say, but the way they walk. But that was a product of my fear. Looking into my abusers eyes kowing when he would attack.
. I just love people who love me and and love is unity, and clairity, it is world reason  and adventure, it is pupose, and direction. but doesn’t have to be connection. people are trees and sewer dumps. they are all things created of the base lie of mankind over energy,over nature, so disputed ,, so messy, each , is.
I should put a diclaimer to my words. These words are writing in a constant persuit of being. Thse words investigate , without thinking, what thoughts have come in common understanding to my own abilities and contomplations. I mean thinking of a definition of love. Or friends, why when they are so know . and accepted. But I have watch how everyitg beomes so backward novel.. of this is how we broke up. A piece that is never written, and yet I don’t read enough contemporary I admit , would love to cannot afford.
Culture is years behind its self.
As can only be. The moment being told by the many , gets watered down. To the few who make the eye of the beholder.. lol. Someone has got to hold the be.
And so the computer went off and when on. I sit now on a different part of the ocean though less than a mile for the last. I was talking of friends.
When I was done it was only cause I couldn’t find my cigerettes,  for which eluded me until I left fully driving away from the sunny spot I was writing in I found them, no but moments after. So I went home got a pack, saw no one called , or just the landlord. And then in th ewayout saw two sitting, two of the five I have been deciding weather they are friends. Weather I trust them . weather their company inspires me. They do not . so I dicided to move alone , they have a get together tomorrow night , I am not invited, I don’t have to be. It makes no difference, I know they do not want to talk on my level, and I don’t want tell the misfourtunes I cannot really explain, I can not say I am unhappy with you. For you are my new friend in a new land and you represent all I have already been fooled by, and I don’t let that happen again. So I stop and look, Have they approached me? Have they accepted my invitations to hang on a more personal level? And if not why am I to hang with them when a Friend is not what they are. They only let in the bad feelings I have, and I don’t like it. Such that I cause trouble out of boredom, and yet. I have no one else to talk to.
accept the sea, accept the birds who really have little to say to the stupid self perplexing man, I guess it was symbols that made us feel beyond god. Even while we bowed to him her and the other,  I did pray lately, the focus is the benifit,, I always seem to remember myself better when I do so. With people I forget self for apathy after empathy. But like I said I am looking though myself. I get frustrated with people not being able to talk about spirituality without arguing, and for the inablity to unify, I get sad when people start telling me about me cause I complained about not feeling good about something, something I can not change. Something I don’t want to change , cause there is a line in the sand.
And my life has lived around it. I refuse to have my time on earth wasted. but then my sight of reasoning has been its mistakes. And so I look at my attitude and complain against it. Knowing I would love friends that care,
But can I care. So each experiment in living I write about. We are never joined with anyone as much as blood or duty. I have been more alive with the people I have worked with, shared a stronger bond with but left just as fast.
you know I write this also caue I have neve read it. Have never seen the core answeres to why one way and not another, Love has been a trusted concept unfulfilled as life went on. A subject I might have learned early but all I got was lust , and food. My poor mother worked so hard, I thought love was to work hard.. and yet every time I felt the power to live more strongly cause I was in love, my romance fell to the side , and they left with the next person who paid them attention. Like I didn’t. and yet thought I was, I thought with each small success I was reach closer to what was whole between us. But I was wrong . Loving another is a delicate matter. Thin skinned people do not change, the touch is soft or hard there is no explaination. Or caring as you do explain , if you have one inside the subconscious moments of action. I do a lot and sum it up privately. I am not happy with me, so I am rarely happy for others. It is sad. That I am so sad.
In that I have been thinking of suicide. I have been thinking of it in small doses, like all this would be settled if I were dead, returned to the soil the water, the air.
But then as I think of that , I am free, of physicalness and relationship to understand. I don’t have to think of family and the world is again mine, and to leave it seems senceless cause it is only for another where success or failure is measured, you rate me by how close I am to the goals of my life. Or how much money I have. Or how good these words are. When they are only words and you have to place them in your life to see what is real.
More ambigious words, I know , I can never seem to have the right way of saying things. People come away thinking about nothing but what ever their minds can handle. Yesterday I wrote a piece and a friend after reading it said “the piece was about B—“ ( because at the end I found a description of a drunken spree as a statement of freedom from the statistical)
it was the last entry before today.
I was trying to describe to myself my connections between points. As they streamed into each area, got a focus for a moment and then moved on. Like there was no point but the connection between each article, each paragraph. She only said it was about you and Bob. But it moved all around, from freedom to freedom, from society to the hindrance of society.
And yet that Is me telling it. One cannot really say what they look like, but can try.


Yes to sit and write. The simple joy of it with or without sense of purpose or relevance revealed.  Just to write. Gliding pen over paper to convey a frozen moment; a peace captured.
But just beneath are all the other words from law to the bible. Nary that I would make the connection between peace and other more reviewed words. My grammar is often dis-ingenuous from not editing. I have never taken more than common English in high school.  And yet, like men at sea, I am stuck with many hours of time on my hands. (Conrad, Melville)
But even that strikes a cord. The first job I remember , that worked well with writing, was being a security guard at a hospital. But you don’t hear much about the great novelist pulling security duty for nine dollars an hour.

One is not really their job, though every job comes with a certain psychological osmosis, even non-paying artistic habits. For while, I will often talk of myself. When writing, I try to remain impartial, not to say I am wrong or right to much.  I am even borderline self offensive sometime for I can only see a need to grow. Instead of playing around all the other habits I have acquired.
When I write I try to get at the root of a problem. Which could be personal but is caused by Global warming.  This leads me to think down roads very pragmatically.  Now I realize the fact;  reason gives all sides position, I confuse myself accordingly.  Shifting from angle to the next..  For rarely have I been understood enough to even be acknowledged so i see no need for it.

yet I fall into a trap here.
A psychological one.

which comes first,

your comment  or the fulfillment.

Bad Deeds and adjusting Mirrors for Watery lens,

crying helps 20/20 vision.

While all you really want to do is expose the humanity which answers a need for change with change. Not round about drug therapies but a slow being of condition and reasoning thought personal history.
My childhood was the younger of a pair, my home life left me looking at what was wrong with the world and set out to fix it. Wrong was my brother’s inability to share, his distance from me. I never understood.  but that  same distance I felt from mother and step father, from teachers, and street friends. But some were of a niceness I never understood and loved to spend time at the caring mothers house, who let me pet the baby ducks, and watch the pigs in the Ronalds back yard.. You meet them along the road, here and there, just plain nice people. but  for many years  also , in the urbanity, i was taken in by that same smile. Walking all day to get emergency food stamps only to have the same person i was with steal them going out the back of CVS, never to be seen again,  I just went to the park and read Wilky Colllins,, for that was what i was doing anyway, homeless, free to read.   The streets teach their own understandings.

But Seeing them early, gave me reason to look again at religion and education, at the star, and what feelings I had held close all my earliest years, with kind shadows and witches that scared me in my dreams,  the fear that is a tingle . like going down the hill with a sled for the first time, a shock at how exciting it is, but a definite loss of safety, these under answered questions had to be summed up for me, Magic, Mystics, Palm Readers, Finding White Magic book at the Library.  the first step a motto. “Knowledge is power” it said, “Knowledge shared is power lost, Page one of White Magic by ???

I had started a sight.   I saw aliments of societal perception Like Gaullio and his world view that would take almost 100 years to prove.  Each new generation is burdened with something their fathers couldn’t see and life changes. Each child takes a higher stance than the parents who raised them. Technology ,  math, the micro chip, internet television. our children are moving forward faster than light, and all for the sins their parents hadn’t the courage to face. Each child takes a different part of  that greater knowledge and must hold it over the old. In loving  gesture to give them shade, and ease.  Parents seem to react to the weigh held above with a mistrust they taught, they are their own glasses, We must be our own glasses. But create water for lenses.
Mine started with a view of the physical spirituality. I believe the soul has matter.
Spirituality ,to me, revolves around ghosts, and telepathy, neutrinos and quantum physic, I know very little of these subjects itemized, but each seems to fit in with a more general conversation of energy as equaling the ancient god concept in power without personality.
You can see what I mean, the mentioning of childhood panicking to escape with the  “grand concept”.   Only literature can do that, we have poetic license to ascribe how one person finds effect from a greater knowledge. To hopefully Integrate  knowledge into all ends of Cultured Civility.

God Equal Energy.

But also, as I have been told, of the arrogance to make that statement from some.  While others have made the statement before me, and a writers job is to integrate and move expression to sublime teaching.    Or don’t believe me Just say it is coming from a small persons ego and insecurity facing the Big mans rock?

I could be reasonable correct and claim only a number on the side which promotes this kind of logic,  some organization , to handle the overpowering effect religions have confused us with. I don’t even like stories, Fables, Gospel the symbolism sickens me..  and I can only tell the hearts harmonies of  time and place. For which I have been laxs for what better tale than from the nothing’s mind, the common working man, who’s hands hurt with each keystroke on rainy day. What better place to talk from, that where you are free to say what needs to be said, cause no one is holding the shade over your head..

From where

you face

the sun

to give

followers

shade.

. the future is only  as good as the courage of our hope and the fulfillment of  Utopia.
But in all that, I am still showing the point of my dialogue, a habitual performance creates a psychological motif. And trying to see my own truths has become the constant intention of my writing.

I have felt the need to represent what to me seems logical and positive, but always I am met with hindrances of people.  The lack of unity , the powerfully with only small thoughts for others,  in battle with ego and a hope for change.

I challenge many of my actions.

For being only the peace;  i am only , quiet and alone.
I don’t hang with violent people, arrogant people or egotist.. I am scared of mobsters, drug dealers, gamblers, and closet homosexuals, and most religious types, and women with children cause i love to much.

I have learned these lessons and know when I see violence, my birth right coming over and over again as voices I deny I hear. As of late, as I have been hanging or trying to be social around with others who were introduced to me, I was nice, for someone else but it back fired as I saw the hidden meanings, and the pretentious egos. Hearing the violence in the commonest of control, without reason, power without guidance, a force full tongue on the most frail.  I get scared and remember survival and life as peace. All violence is just a Jail cell.
But what do I let in, who is part of my life. No family, few friends. even my closest was once an adversary , then we drank  many years stumbling around Boston, pretending we were important ( mine for being treated to drinking B—for being able to treat )  Alcoholics love company.

We were great looking and always independent of everyone, we could do and think as we choose without the bother of social conventions, I guess that suited us. Yelling to the wind casting off demons, knowing some social escape that only nature provides. For it cost very little to laugh, and sing, and look at pretty girls without being offended by the controlling magistrate of their minds. Security foundations mother earth.

no Instead we gave to the larger ground inside the whiskey and from the Beer, in fact from the extra two I bought at last call going with me stashed inside my full length jacket, butting up against that half pint of Jack Daneils I never left home without.
B—- looking like mic jagger, thin Jawed and all. He had only to speak and girls where all attention-ed out.. while I mostly let him talk  , and then in the first five minutes ask them to join us,, which if they declined  he would go get drinks and join them,, and by that time they were either friends of ours or we just tried to pick up the bouncer girl friend which happened a lot.  I would over corase talk of the Mazine and my writing. give out buisness cards.. all the time. if i didn’t have have any to sell.

But he has long gone away to another story created out of the fragments of the last, His job was our benefactor and he was paid to be real intelligent and creative as a software code writer , he still is..
But the majority of people just thought me Nuts. I guess, and each level of thought being considered in turn leads to an over all confusion,. But then let us add, a genetic leaning toward depression. And general unsupportive-ness , created by parents and left to me to fulfill!  I have a hard time standing up for myself as in I can but it takes so much out of me, I have to go away, to many years of hard labor to sit down at a fight. The fight has always to survive.
I will go and type this but I must be thankful for things. I need to remember it is hard to represent a new thought and I should be thankful everyday that I am smart enough to support myself in idea and action. Will is common sense. Awareness is A common Sense. As Nature is that which never leaves and you are always looking to explain.
Some day never comes
Unless its already here.

Please leave page length comments.

With nothing to say about Lea.

As nothing is my fighting heart.

To let go for another.

Who’s body is a moment.

Who’s soul equals a power,

and is on the same road as I .

We, as survivors, are just people

who react to know more.

Yet in that state

a persona is ill relevant,

And do of age engraced.

Acke on yet full-fill

Abstractions against the predisposed

crayons,

heart a liquid in passion

So know the reason to leave becomes

Its leaving, and come , and past and now.

Like symbols

Like spentdaze and spelling.

Watching peace come, what was there before again.

A new this , that and the other.

And I do not celebrate my lack of cigarettes.

And should willingly.

Yo know I have been cast speechless in the last days of a mundane news, where its all like cover for cover for cover for  abcovering which will be covered covering over the facts until. We are covering our coverings in order to covert our coveting.

I am tire but yet have not written a blog. The messy affair production.  Why can not you just be and artist, and they pay you to exist. You are model to people around you and you suffer the most because , the gambling gysse with only pure light to give.

What foolishness the symbols are not seen. Each sentence is a million explanations. Each moment yet just to spread the hands of giving to love to give to being , to teaching to impersonation to dreaming to fantasy , to innocence returned like what is can not be left behind.

Oh , and escapes have the last say , as daydream crash into well being. Where lifesstlye doesn’t have to be lie-style. When admitting a self is to be good enough reason. To live. And love and be,

It must be moments form my death. For me to feel free.