Feb 17 2010
And everyday I awake with a sense of something missing. Is it some small part of me. Waking against the experience of the feelings, this new land of western Washington, only brings me to think of every connection from the past, every hope of love I broke somehow , and do I live to tell it. To see how I have laid to rest the limites of human concern, for sometime I feel I have lost people because so often I have felt at dis ease with my life, and since I can’t change my friends I change myself. And forget friends. ? did I forget friends? or did I just not consider why we were friends, or really it came down to did they want me as a friend.
The streets trained me. My apartment getting ripped off in four different places by friends. my drinking going into over-bored with friends, do we just share our favorite lust or excape , calling them interests, and filling the hours with what ifs and I will’s. but Barely remembering what you had said, or remembering and just watching the number of times there was no fulfillment.
Friends are the people you share time with , good times, for no one wants to face the sad, and yet, all my life I have had so many moments of “bad” or the uncivilized. my bad times are not criminal mostly, they are ecomonic for I must find my truth and admit I get dispondant to all civil reactions. And spend my money freely lke a fool on holiday, but it is in the middle of the week, and tomorrow must be aonther day, but it cannot be cause all the rules have changed, you have not paid your rent cause a moment went by where you didn’t like anything going on. There was no smallness to keep your heart alive, no celebration of moment spent, Except the eternal excess of seeing the world . the mountins the high clouds the low. The docks and ridges, the animals. . like imagining a birds freedom to see no need for gravity , cause it is just a down feeling.
It is the mechanics of tides and Plates in the earth , of time human , and ice ages, and always something you can not feel with the same effect when perminate, for you look beyond it. It is just that you it see every day, and when it is your heart you are apart of it.
Friends have rarely had had that effect one me. , hills don’t remind you what decisiveness and planning are the little cunning creatures effect, on others. The birds don’t torture you with “why do they land on my shoulder, they just do or don’t it is mutual. There ways of movement fulfill some mad puzzle of fate and conscious. I don’t remember how I have hurt others. But mostly I guess it was over money. Mostly it was over violence, and standing up against those who were standing up to threaten. Maybe cause it was, just me, saying they were threatening my sense of myself. And in the end that is all it is.
These conversatioing should be private, and held in the golden halls of action. But I cannot seem to answer them alone. And reach further into the voices of external exposure, to ask and listine, but it is not of me that I want critism, it is of the concept .
Friends is a concept , aquaitances are of a concept. I remember most of my friends I have lost through travel. , I sit here, thinking about them, . I guess it is of the air sign to no know one , and wonder why he is not a earth sign. Wrong date I guess, It is so ease to discount the air sign, until you can’t breath, and understand why one would be called coolbreeze.. cause with the considerations of an air sign all is beautiful. And every where, so the easiest way to get rid of an air sgn is to stifle them, to remove them to gather them, you cannot herd air. And refuses all attempts,
There is security in friends. But time layered responciblity, but then you are into relationships, and in that most don’t go outside of that, they don’t talk or , tell, they wait and observe so that they can be correct or meaning ful. But they are not living, to not have their own question readily on the table. Knowledge shared is power lost. Funny that, for I can see a person no matter what they say, but the way they walk. But that was a product of my fear. Looking into my abusers eyes kowing when he would attack.
. I just love people who love me and and love is unity, and clairity, it is world reason and adventure, it is pupose, and direction. but doesn’t have to be connection. people are trees and sewer dumps. they are all things created of the base lie of mankind over energy,over nature, so disputed ,, so messy, each , is.
I should put a diclaimer to my words. These words are writing in a constant persuit of being. Thse words investigate , without thinking, what thoughts have come in common understanding to my own abilities and contomplations. I mean thinking of a definition of love. Or friends, why when they are so know . and accepted. But I have watch how everyitg beomes so backward novel.. of this is how we broke up. A piece that is never written, and yet I don’t read enough contemporary I admit , would love to cannot afford.
Culture is years behind its self.
As can only be. The moment being told by the many , gets watered down. To the few who make the eye of the beholder.. lol. Someone has got to hold the be.
And so the computer went off and when on. I sit now on a different part of the ocean though less than a mile for the last. I was talking of friends.
When I was done it was only cause I couldn’t find my cigerettes, for which eluded me until I left fully driving away from the sunny spot I was writing in I found them, no but moments after. So I went home got a pack, saw no one called , or just the landlord. And then in th ewayout saw two sitting, two of the five I have been deciding weather they are friends. Weather I trust them . weather their company inspires me. They do not . so I dicided to move alone , they have a get together tomorrow night , I am not invited, I don’t have to be. It makes no difference, I know they do not want to talk on my level, and I don’t want tell the misfourtunes I cannot really explain, I can not say I am unhappy with you. For you are my new friend in a new land and you represent all I have already been fooled by, and I don’t let that happen again. So I stop and look, Have they approached me? Have they accepted my invitations to hang on a more personal level? And if not why am I to hang with them when a Friend is not what they are. They only let in the bad feelings I have, and I don’t like it. Such that I cause trouble out of boredom, and yet. I have no one else to talk to.
accept the sea, accept the birds who really have little to say to the stupid self perplexing man, I guess it was symbols that made us feel beyond god. Even while we bowed to him her and the other, I did pray lately, the focus is the benifit,, I always seem to remember myself better when I do so. With people I forget self for apathy after empathy. But like I said I am looking though myself. I get frustrated with people not being able to talk about spirituality without arguing, and for the inablity to unify, I get sad when people start telling me about me cause I complained about not feeling good about something, something I can not change. Something I don’t want to change , cause there is a line in the sand.
And my life has lived around it. I refuse to have my time on earth wasted. but then my sight of reasoning has been its mistakes. And so I look at my attitude and complain against it. Knowing I would love friends that care,
But can I care. So each experiment in living I write about. We are never joined with anyone as much as blood or duty. I have been more alive with the people I have worked with, shared a stronger bond with but left just as fast.
you know I write this also caue I have neve read it. Have never seen the core answeres to why one way and not another, Love has been a trusted concept unfulfilled as life went on. A subject I might have learned early but all I got was lust , and food. My poor mother worked so hard, I thought love was to work hard.. and yet every time I felt the power to live more strongly cause I was in love, my romance fell to the side , and they left with the next person who paid them attention. Like I didn’t. and yet thought I was, I thought with each small success I was reach closer to what was whole between us. But I was wrong . Loving another is a delicate matter. Thin skinned people do not change, the touch is soft or hard there is no explaination. Or caring as you do explain , if you have one inside the subconscious moments of action. I do a lot and sum it up privately. I am not happy with me, so I am rarely happy for others. It is sad. That I am so sad.
In that I have been thinking of suicide. I have been thinking of it in small doses, like all this would be settled if I were dead, returned to the soil the water, the air.
But then as I think of that , I am free, of physicalness and relationship to understand. I don’t have to think of family and the world is again mine, and to leave it seems senceless cause it is only for another where success or failure is measured, you rate me by how close I am to the goals of my life. Or how much money I have. Or how good these words are. When they are only words and you have to place them in your life to see what is real.
More ambigious words, I know , I can never seem to have the right way of saying things. People come away thinking about nothing but what ever their minds can handle. Yesterday I wrote a piece and a friend after reading it said “the piece was about B—“ ( because at the end I found a description of a drunken spree as a statement of freedom from the statistical)
it was the last entry before today.
I was trying to describe to myself my connections between points. As they streamed into each area, got a focus for a moment and then moved on. Like there was no point but the connection between each article, each paragraph. She only said it was about you and Bob. But it moved all around, from freedom to freedom, from society to the hindrance of society.
And yet that Is me telling it. One cannot really say what they look like, but can try.
Kada's Enertialcall 