It is another day , the Washington rain is getting into my neck , the homelessness is starting to piss off the friends I have here, I guess I don’t handle it well, either. I guess all my friends are occasional acquaintances. Like we all become to each other as the fortunes of our own creations leave us standing needing. Like no shower, and no place to sleep, creates a ground for dismissing people who can not take care of themselves no matter the reason.
Its funny through the closest friend I have said last night, she only fulfills external responsibilities. , and I knew it before. She is really so alone inside that to share is a threat to the inner secrecy she demands. to function, like if people knew they would react differently ,and so it becomes common that we don’t talk and things end up in a quagmire of misunderstandings. And you are afraid to bring up what you are thinking.
But I have come to the point where I see what she is saying , I have again become a burden on people. My second week has just ended in the car. Well really a week and a half, I don’t want to go back to the Farm, I don’t want to repeat the Leaving thing. The packing thing, the Yelling thing. And ever since I came to this little town with its impossible arrogance, and small town appreciations, i have only seen the economics. But now I am not sure I can go any where, my head is stuck with a pain, as in I have learned I have osteoporosis, which flares up living in the car. I have not sleep well for three days, and going on four, five. . Each day is becoming a tired event, and although I always think better when tired. I am also more needy. And less willing to take the risk to move on, for fear of not knowing enough to get by, the shower, is free here, as in I have more free passes. I know where to get passes. And the car is so filled I wonder what to get rid off. But really I don’t.. want to get rid of anything Having only essentials of Street perform and the Publishing computers.It just needs to be better packed but I need to go to a money place, forsaking all I have created here. New friends. the common knowledge of me. As a worker, for small jobs. An artist, a friend. I will go somewhere to be a stranger again. A talker. Who points to a magazine/website which is never in front of the street conversation. . For which needs only this. This which comes and goes. This this office, which you cant get without a job.
I am alone and know it again. Mankind seems to unite only for selfish pleasures, Parties are more important that creating a living with a common unity principle. An economic organization of strong minded people who are willing to be alive and reactionary, like we still have only one life in the adventure. But that has been drilled out of people , and I am the model they point to. I guess I have never been good at staying around. At being happy with what I have. . or maybe I am to happy with what I have. As in I carry it with me, in my heart more than my material. I have good philosophies, and defeat hypocrisy, but that to, will get you on the outside of the fence. For civilization is a system of hypocrisy. i don’t tell on you , you don’t tell on me, as me live our bestial concerns more than a true muse and love of live. And we in that vein are stable , and entrenched. we are the enemy of the adventurous, though we applaud from the edges, while we are the lions and people of true strength stand at the colluosium floor to reach for life by fighting a stable death,
Yes I am still creating the magazine. Each page was a major project before, as I would slowly create a piece of individual art. With words and others peoples art. L—doesn’t understand why I would want to create it. I do it for your children and mine, to forward the concepts of the masses to find enlightenment In this time that demands we transcend the old and fill out our knowledge with the outside of the box definitions and responses.
It is funny though, for when I am in trouble as in now. I have always tried to stay sober. And yet, I drank and had a black out. In my heart I know what happened I was subconscious holding back so much , I was thinking of all the crimes against me that I was letting unresolved. And said fuckit.. I couldn’t hold back any more with an over baring landlord who asked for community while over charging, and under fulfilling what promises he made. So there was a breaking point. And I broke. But it is not just him.. he is meaningless to the pain of the last few years. The overbearing economics the pain of a banking system that is destroying an American hope and freedom that was. The environmental disasters, the nuclear disasters. The many homeless, and an education system which demands adherence while creating a lend lease program for the soul. Are you free in debt? Is Debt freedom? As all this comes down to a point of understanding a soul which lives to see. A soul which looks to understand, first self then system, self only comes secondary, a self which finds divorce, child abuse, addictions. A self which can not see for all the burdens thrust onto its shoulders instead.
And then Looking at my self. To see the muti-talents one needs for that self, and yet, still ends up just need system . We are all alone, the families are our hope and without them we are messy, then I have taken it a step further, for where I have friends who operate as a limited family are all in foreign lands now. Over the internet we share points of our lives but to touch is the only communication we understand, picking bugs really from each other s hair the touch we need, settling for else has become the whole, it is like paining on a computer. Somethings can not be replaced no matter how out of our need we try.